Blue Car

The past everything that went before, 
is a dry leaf fallen from a dead tree. 
The tree's been cut down, 
the leaf crushed by feet and ground into earth. 
So now there is only the memory of trees. 
I am the disease that rots the bark of trees. 
I am rust and gravity. 
In my dreams we are all together again and my mom is happy. 
But then the leaves all fall off the trees and my dad is gone. 
I call out to him, but wherever he is he can't hear me.

I rode my bike past our old house.
A rusty chair keeps your place on the lawn.
Lily cuts holes in herself to hurt you but you just won't bleed.
Now she won't eat.
Since you left Mom doesn't say your name.
But even gone, I remember your face 
The way the sun stays bright when I shut my eyes, 
The way a torch whipping the dark leaves a long red scar.
Some nights when I wake up I forget where we are.
From our apartment, I can't see the stars or the horizon, only the road.
I know it goes to wherever you are.

I've memorized the lines. lt was easy.
The dirty white pages a margin of fancy designs.
You draw outlines of inverted hearts.

But mine's real, not a valentine.
As for the details...
As for the details fiction, fiction, lies, lies, 
I am the coming poet who will arise.

Crippled phoenix I fly up from your bed of ashes.
When my dad left, I cut off my hands and sewed up my eyes.
But that didn't keep me from reaching for you.
Thank you for the gold star and your leaving.
Blue car, gold star.
The leaving is a gift I will always hang on to.