Blue Car

The past everything that went before, 
is a dry leaf fallen from a dead tree. 
The tree's been cut down, 
the leaf crushed by feet and ground into earth. 
So now there is only the memory of trees. 
I am the disease that rots the bark of trees. 
I am rust and gravity. 
In my dreams we are all together again and my mom is happy. 
But then the leaves all fall off the trees and my dad is gone. 
I call out to him, but wherever he is he can't hear me.

I rode my bike past our old house.
A rusty chair keeps your place on the lawn.
Lily cuts holes in herself to hurt you but you just won't bleed.
Now she won't eat.
Since you left Mom doesn't say your name.
But even gone, I remember your face 
The way the sun stays bright when I shut my eyes, 
The way a torch whipping the dark leaves a long red scar.
Some nights when I wake up I forget where we are.
From our apartment, I can't see the stars or the horizon, only the road.
I know it goes to wherever you are.

I've memorized the lines. lt was easy.
The dirty white pages a margin of fancy designs.
You draw outlines of inverted hearts.

But mine's real, not a valentine.
As for the details...
As for the details fiction, fiction, lies, lies, 
I am the coming poet who will arise.

Crippled phoenix I fly up from your bed of ashes.
When my dad left, I cut off my hands and sewed up my eyes.
But that didn't keep me from reaching for you.
Thank you for the gold star and your leaving.
Blue car, gold star.
The leaving is a gift I will always hang on to.

Tous les Garcons et les Filles

so many friends that I happen to see
have been steadily falling in love
oh how I wish it could happen to me
and I'm asking the stars up above

won't you find me a boy, just a nice looking boy
who will show me the way, who will teach me to say
"I love you, yes I do", and who'll promise me too
that he'll always be true, so that I'll never be blue

I just wish for a gentle boy
someone who's sweet and kind
just a nice sentimental boy
that's all that I'm really longing to find

so many friends that I happen to see
have been telling me all about love
oh how I wish it could happen to me
is the only thing I'm thinking of

so I'll find me a boy, just a nice looking boy
who will show me the way, who will teach me to say
"I love you, yes I do", and who'll promise me too
that he'll always be true, so that I'll never be blue

so I'll find me a boy, just a nice looking boy
who will show me the way, who will teach me to say
"I love you, yes I do", and who'll promise me too
that he'll always be true, so that I'll never be blue... 

continues crying

i can’t feel this face

anymore

all the bugs have come to

bite off my eyelids

 

but I can see you

believe me

 

we will be dust

no, not even dust

but what feeds and slithers past that dust

 

it’s raining outside

but you can’t hear

because you’re talking too loud

because you’re screaming too loud

because you’re fucking too loud

bluebird by bukowski

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pur whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

i am saying a lot of things.

These tears burn down my face and seem to linger

Then they erupt and bump into each other.

My tears are hot and blur my vision.

They tickle my chin and clog my eyelashes

The concaves of my neck hold them in place

And I drown deeper into blindness.

I smear them away and yank them off my face

They want to stay and soak my body

But I won't let them

I say go to hell

Get out of here!

Return to your former lover

and leave me the fuck alone.